S1:E6 | Recovering Sexuality & Sensuality After Childbirth with Tilly StormApr 05, 2022
[00:00:46.770] Welcome & Introduction to Tilly Storm
[00:02:16.140] Tilly’s journey to sexuality and sensuality after childbirth
[00:05:20.610] Main challenges people have with their sexual energy
[00:08:08.600] Some of those things spark sensuality or desire for women
[00:09:33.590] Childbirth & trauma and how that affects postpartum sex
[00:15:08.030] Benefits on working on your sexuality
[00:17:43.760] How the Dallas traditions and techniques fit into a neuroscience, psychological mindset based approach
[00:22:30.070] Vibrator addiction
[00:25:38.370] How working with Tilly helps women find their voice, sexually
[00:28:20.370] Tilly’s experiences working with men
[00:30:40.900] Creating sexual healing on a more collective level
[00:33:05.620] Working with couples
GET IN TOUCH WITH TILLY:
Listen to Tilly’s podcast: The Multi Orgasmic Mama
HOW DO YOU GO FROM STAGE FRIGHT TO SPOTLIGHT & BEYOND CHANGING THE WORLD & CREATING A LEGENDARY LEGACY?
How do you fine tune your body to fine tune your voice to convey what you're you might not understand, but your heart does?
I am so excited for our next guest to tell you all about what she does. If lack of confidence, low libido or guilt and shame around your sexuality are the cause of your bedroom woes, the hot wild sex you never have anymore, or the transition into motherhood that sucked your libido dry, you need Tilly. She's a holistic sex coach for women that lack desire and want to feel sexy again. As a certified sex coach, Tantra and Jade Egg teacher Tili uses deep transformational tools and techniques based in modern coaching modalities and ancient tantric wisdom and Taoist practices to help women like you get your desire back and have the most mind blowing sex of your life, you can find more about Tilly at www.tillystorm.com .
Welcome, Tilly. I'm so excited to have you. I've had the great pleasure of being on Tilly's podcast twice, which is called 'The Multi Orgasmic Mama', and I absolutely love her work and I'm excited to dive into it. Before we get started, I'd love to know how you ended up here, because I think your story is really interesting in terms of your own transformation. Yeah, sure.
Well, it's part of the story.
I was raised in the greater New Orleans area and a very conservative household that I picked up a lot of shame and conditioning around my body and sexuality growing up. That I wasn't really aware of until later in my twenties. Then I had my first baby at home - an unassisted birth, which may not be right for anybody, but at the time I knew it was absolutely what needed to be done.
And I'm so glad that I trusted that kind of intuition because my baby was born a precipitous birth and labor, which means that it was extremely fast. I had him in about 30 minutes from the moment that I knew that I was actually in labor and there's no way I would have made it anywhere.
So from having my baby, actually, thirteen years ago, I started to wake up to deeper truths that maybe everything I'd been taught about my body might not be as true as I had thought. I was taught that I should just trust that the body was bad, that it should be something you should be ashamed of, especially if you had desires like self pleasure.
Sexuality is such a no no. that set me on a path to awakening and discovering something else. I really had no idea who I was. I just knew that I wasn't who I was raised and conditioned to be. In my second marriage when I was about twenty seven, I just remember there being a day when I was like, oh wow, there's just got to be more to sex than what I'm experiencing because I literally cannot imagine living the next five, six decades of my life and this just being it - there has got to be more.
I found that I was only able to orgasm in one way, it felt super frustrating, super limiting. I wanted to break out of that and feel more free around my body and sexuality and just to be able to express myself and the way that I somehow was able to tap into when I birthed babies, I ended up having a second baby like three years later. And it was an amazing experience as well.
But there was something about being in that wild primal birth state that I could not tap into that on a regular basis. I really, really wanted to know how to tap into that on a regular basis because it was freeing, it was liberating and I didn't know how. So that's when I started learning about the Jade Egg practice, which is an ancient Chinese practice that that I teach all of my female clients because it helps to awaken your sexuality, your creativity, your sexual energy, and really bring you home to your body, which is something that a lot of us struggle deeply with.
Absolutely. I agree. I always say that whether you're making love or babies or business or art, it's all second chakra energy. It all comes from our sexual organs, whatever we're trying to create. What are some of the big challenges you see that people have with their sexual energy or what's kind of different ways does it show up in their life?
Yeah, sure. Well, I didn't recognize that this was something other women struggle with to because nobody talks about sex. So the only way I started to recognize that it was an issue for most women is because I ended up working in a birth center in Lafayette, Louisiana. I was a midwife apprentice and a doula which I did for seven years full time. At the birth center, we would see the women postpartum and we would check to make sure everything was OK for them to have intercourse again.
Every time we would bring up the conversation of them being able to have sex again, they would all laugh in our faces or there would just be like 'yeah, that's not happening any time soon!'. It was laughable. Their sexuality was just this complete separate part of their being that once they become moms, it was just thrown out the window, that's no longer a part of my identity or who I am anymore. I don't get to be that. And I just thought so many times over and over, this is this is not what I experienced.
Personally, my sexuality and my desire stayed pretty much intact, I really attribute that to the way that I had my children and the way that I also parented them as newborns. It just kind of worked for me and it came natural to me. But a lot of women end up with very traumatic birth experiences and that can be disempowering, which often cuts them off from their sexual desire and then shuts it down. So trauma and conditioning, birth, trauma and including that or sexual trauma will shut down women's desire for sex in general.
That's what I find to be one of the biggest issues in sexuality these days is just a lack of desire and not having intimacy and connection around because everything's so goal oriented around our sexuality that it just cuts out a lot of the things that actually do accelerate women's desire. But we just don't live in an environment that really sparks our sensuality and our sexuality.
So what are some of those things that will spark sensuality for women, and desire?
That's a great question, but it differs so much depending on your your erotic wiring and how you're blueprinted around your sexuality. Most women in particular, are very energetic around their sexuality, meaning that they need more intimacy and connection and they need more foreplay. Then there's women that are really more centrally wired that really need their senses activated, they need the room set up, the candles and the back and the music playing. They really need their environment to really spark their sensuality and their desires.
Then there's women who are really activated and turned on by naked bodies, by penetration, by seeing the male form or the female form. There's also women that are super activated by kinky things. So whether it's the submission, dominance play or anything kinky, really playing into fantasies and really fulfilling those things. So it all depends on higher sexually wired about what's going to accelerate your desire.
But we just don't get education around that. So nobody really knows until they start diving into these deeper truths around their sexuality, around what really does turn me on.
I want to backtrack for a minute to childbirth and trauma, because I will say I had a I didn't have home births, but I had a similar experience to you and that I didn't find the childbirth and motherhood dampened my sexuality. I was able to have unmedicated or unanesthetized births and to give birth both times in the squatting position, which is very, very empowering. When my second son was born, it was the trauma was really around that I wanted to give birth in a squatting position and my doctor that I had was she needed to go, it was her end of shift, and the doctor that was taking over for her wouldn't take care of me because I had a birth plan.
My husband made her cry in the hallway. So then she ended up staying I still to this day, don't really know exactly what happened, what transpired in the hallway, I just know that he made her cry, but it was really traumatic in that moment.
I really regret not walking out of the hospital and having the baby in the parking lot. Because I was that confident I could have done it, I didn't need the anesthesia and all of that. But I think birth is very, very traumatic for so many women in the medical intervention that goes with it is traumatic and also physically altering to sexual wiring that can take time to re pattern.
Could you talk a little bit more about that and maybe some of the other piece of it I'm really curious about is when you talk about your work in the birthing center and how women after childbirth were like, oh, I'm not having sex anytime soon. Part of me wonders how sexual sexually wired they were even before that.
Part of that you have to take into account to the religious and media conditioning that we receive. That is so heavily ingrained in us that mothers don't get to be sexual, that it's super, super taboo to be a mom and be fully in your sexual power, in fact, it terrifies most of our nervous systems. So I think that has a lot to do with it. As far as how birth can affect your sexuality, how I see it play out a lot of times is maybe the birth was traumatic of itself. Maybe everything's fine, your baby is fine. But what a lot of women feel is this sense that their voice wasn't heard or they couldn't speak what they wanted. This is so relevant because this is what shows up and their sexuality a lot of times. So women will come to me saying, I don't know how to tell my partner what I really want and when I try, I feel like he doesn't receive it or he doesn't really get it.
So I'll ask them to tell me about their birth experiences. A lot of times it will trace back to that and then there becomes this disconnect around them being able to speak their truth and what they really want out of fear that they're not going to be heard, so why even try or it might just make the situation more contentious. So then there becomes this feedback loop of like,' oh, when I speak my desires or I ask for what I want and need, then it just causes disruption and I don't want disruption. So I'm just not going to have any desires or I'm just not going to speak my need'.
Then they shut themselves off from that and then they come to me like my partner is not really pleasing me sexually. I don't know what to do. Well, if you're not asking for what you want need. How can you expect them to?
I hear you on that and I see that so much in my clients, too, that even when I ask them what they want in their life in general or what they want for different aspects of their lives, expressing what their desires are is really difficult because they've been told by everybody else in their life what their desires should be and tapping into really what it is that they desire is like trying to speak a foreign language.
Exactly and that women are told what we should desire sexually. You might not think that you've been told that, but I promise you, your system has been fed so many messages about what you should want sexually and what you shouldn't want sexually. It's so confusing.
I had a client one time, we were talking about oral sex. To be honest and super vulnerable, like I've never been a huge fan of oral sex.
And she said, 'oh, my God, thank you for saying that, because I thought that I needed to be able to enjoy it in order to get my check off the box, well, I haven't enjoyed oral sex yet. So I guess I'm not there yet.'
There is this achievement mentality that we have but if you really dig into your sexuality and done all this work, which she had done with me already, and she still doesn't really enjoy oral sex, nothing wrong with that. You don't have to enjoy something just because 90 percent of other women do.
So, even little things like that. I just get so ingrained in us. So maybe there's something wrong with me. It's confusing and there's just so much to be to look at around that, maybe your desires are just different than somebody else's.
I love that. We're so lacking a space for those open, vulnerable, honest conversations about the nitty gritty aspects of our lives, you know, very rarely in a family will you have communication about that, and now we certainly don't get any formal education around that as well. So I know that you help people transform their sexual pleasure in lots of ways. But what are some of the other benefits of doing this type of work?
Well, I always say that it really has nothing to do with sex. When you dive into your sexuality, when you have the courage to do that, what you're really signing up for is not better orgasms or more pleasure. But what you're really signing up for is to get to know yourself, to learn who you are and to learn who you are without the conditioning and any trauma you may have experienced. So your original essence, the core of who you are, whatever you want to call that, you could call it your higher self or your spirit or your soul, whatever it is to you.
The part of you that is untouchable, completely worthy and deserving just because you're here and you're alive. That's what doing sexuality work does. It gets you in touch with your core, the core of who you are, that is unwounded. That's not broken.
What results from that is a feeling of wholeness. When you feel whole, you increase your capacity to receive pleasure and joy in life. So it's not just about sex. People come to me because they want better sex, but it affects every single area of your life from your career and your work and your area of creativity, your ability to be creative, your energy levels, sexuality, sexual energy.
If you're not if you don't have a regular sexuality practice or you're not doing anything to make your sex life better or to improve it, then chances are you haven't tapped into your full potential of waking up your energy and being an energized person. So no wonder people are always feeling super tired and overwhelmed by life because they're not tapped into the source of energy itself, which is our sexuality.
How do the Dallas traditions and techniques that you use fit into a more neuroscience psychological mindset based approach?
To really help a woman rewire and remove her blocks to pleasure it takes several different things. This is why I'm such a fan of deep healing work through neuroscience. The nervous system work, but also embodiment work, which is jade egg work, and the Dallas jade egg practice that I've mentioned. That practice is literally an egg shaped stone that you use inside of your vagina and you do different squeezes and releases with it to help bring attention and focus to your female sexual organs in the first place.
That itself, begins to rewire your brain and to kick up any trauma and conditioning to your awareness. If you have tension, which we all do, we all have tension in our vaginas. We store our stress. We store trauma. We store tension in our vagina. So when you are actively working with this and you're bringing attention and focus to it, it starts to kick up the awareness. Oh, wow, I feel pain there.
Wow. What is this pain I feel I wonder if I go into that pain, what is there? And what you're doing is you're picking up this awareness so that when we do coaching, when we go into a session and say let's dive into the pain. What's really here? A lot of times the pain is a wounded inner child. It's a nervous system that literally just doesn't know how to experience pleasure because all it's ever felt was pain.
If we're working with someone with a lot of sexual trauma or maybe it's just conditioning from your mom, when she caught you when you were 13 years old self pleasuring and told you you were a terrible person. You never know what it's going to be until you really dive into it. But physical sensations in our body are the source of, OK, what's the kink here? What's the what's the blockage here?
Can we work with that blockage? That's where we bring in the techniques of coaching and neuroscience and the nervous system work.
I'm curious, just as I'm thinking in my own clinical brain about working with patients, because I certainly have seen many, many people over the years with neck pain. There are a lot of anatomical similarities between vaginas and voices, or between our uterus at the top of our vagina and the neck is the cervical spine. I'm curious, when people are disconnected from their sexual organs and from that physical aspect, do you find that they are not aware that they're carrying tension and stress in their vagina in the first place.
I'm wondering if you noticed that it shows up in other parts of the body more noticeably?
Yeah, I see it all the time. Most all women that end up working with me, tell me some way or another that they don't know how to speak what they want they need, because they don't know Because they've never explored their sexuality. So you're looking at that link between the third and the sacral and what's going on there? Well, they really are connected because when you start to dive into, wow, what gives me pleasure, apart from my condition, apart from the trauma I experienced, then you start to learn and do that and work.
A lot of women will say, I learn all the tips and techniques and I still can't orgasm in a different way or I still can't break the vibrator addiction. You don't need a tip and technique to have better sex or feel more pleasure because your body is unique and no-one can just give you a formula. If you found a formula that's worked for you, it might work for some time, but over time things change or you just get sick of it and then you want to find a different formula.
But nobody can sit here and tell you do step one, two, three, four, five. And you'll have the most mind blowing orgasm in your life.
It's really about just diving in and feeling what are the blocks to my pleasure working with those blocks and then experiencing a free flow of energy between the sacral and the throat. Then once you figure that out it's, OK, yeah, this is what works for me.
I love that because with my work with the vagus nerve, it spans your second through fifth chakras and it's that creativity to creative expression pathway that is the obstacle for most of the physical conditions that I that I see with people. Talk a little bit about an vibrator addiction.
OK, so vibrator addiction is a lot of the neuroscience comes into play here because neurons that fire together wire together. If you were habituated into having an orgasmic experience with a vibrator, which a lot of women these days are, then it becomes a very easy way to get to orgasm. So many women like them because they elicit an orgasmic response fairly quickly. Whereas if you were to use your hands or to have a penetrative experience, it can take longer.
This just kind of goes to our values and society that we we mainly value sex just as a way to get off and relieve stress and maybe connection, too, if you're with a partner or a lover. But the power of your sexuality is so much greater than a lot and that there's so much more available to experience in sexuality than just a quick 10 second clitoral orgasm.
So with vibrator addiction, the more that you continue to pleasure yourself in that way, what you're doing and it's like carving a trail, and every time you do it, it's like you're clearing more of the weeds and the stuff in the way and the trail becomes wider. That neuronal pathway becomes really easy to get to. So women that are they can't have an orgasm other than a vibrator. Really, the only way to break free from it is to have a vibrator fast and to not use it and to give yourself the experience to feel something different. But it takes time and you have to change your mindset around the fact that, OK, maybe I won't have an orgasm in five minutes.
And guess what? It's OK, because most women's bodies 30 to 40 minutes to fully open to an orgasmic experience without intense stimulation like that. So it's it's not something that you can't do. It just takes a desire and a willpower to want to have a different experience other than clitoral orgasm. And when you do that, you can have all sorts of different types of orgasms to.
I love that because thirty to forty minutes is so much longer than most people even give themselves for a full sexual encounter of any kind.
Oh, yeah, the average couple has sex for seven minutes. Yeah. So we're not having sex long enough.
For women that aren't saying what they want because they're worried about how disruptive it's going to be, what happens when they work with you? Do they end up getting divorced and finding a whole new life. What is the pathway forward like? Or do they tend to find healing in the situation that they're already in?
Yeah, it just kind of depends on how out they are. I mean, I find that most people wait too long to do anything about a bad situation, especially when it comes to their relationship.
So some for some reason, people think that if they are in a relationship, then they shouldn't have to put any effort or work into it. And sex should just be natural and the relationship should just be great. And that's one of the biggest fallacies and mistruths I have ever heard of in my life, because, like, literally think about it. What other area of your life would that be normal?
So if you think about your health, if you don't eat healthy, if you don't exercise, would you expect yourself to be healthy? No!
So why would you do the same about your relationship and your sexuality? If you don't put effort into it and you don't try, then what can you expect? Well, you can probably expect that it's not going to go very well. But the kind of overall societal narrative is that if it's not working out and sex isn't feeling so natural anymore or if we're having problems, then maybe we're just not meant to be together. And that's what most of us tend to think, that we should just not have to work on it and if we have to work on it, then maybe it's just not meant to be and we should be divorced.
What I find, though, is that if someone is willing to do the work, then there's a huge opportunity for greater self discovery and for next leveling your relationship and your sex life. But sometimes it's too late and the couple will end up divorcing. Or usually they're in the process of divorce when they come to me because they realize how painful that is and didn't think it would be that painful, but it really was.
But there's definitely couples that that have experienced a revival of their sex life and relationships just by the woman working on her sexuality herself. So it just kind of depends on where they're at. But couples will end up completely reviving it or they'll find that it's it was just too late to even they started too late and they should have done this years ago.
I know you also work with men. Can you talk a little bit about why they come to you or if they come to you for the same reasons women do?
Yeah. Yeah. Men are very, very different. It's so interesting to work with with both - I work with less men than I do women. But men often experience very debilitating, painful things, especially these days. One being porn addiction and the guilt and the shame that comes with that and feeling like sex is all about performance and the performance anxiety that leads to erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. All of these issues.
Then also men that just have a really skewed view of what their masculinity means. I'm all about women's rights, but I can with confidence, say, because I have seen the other side of it and the damage that's done is that this whole idea that we don't need men is very, very damaging to them. It's really done a number on them in the last couple of decades. They are really struggling, finding their place in society and really claiming their own power and their masculinity because they feel like they should be ashamed of it.
So Men are very different again, because of this, because they are and this place of extreme struggle and lack of clarity around how to show up as the masculine man in a way that doesn't hurt women, that doesn't disrespect them, and they're really confused. So often I'll get men that are really struggling with that, too.
That's so huge. On a cultural level. If you could wave your magic wand and bring your work into the world in a in a bigger way, where do you think these kinds of teachings would fit in? I mean, certainly within families, but within schools, within our businesses, institutions. How do you see really creating sexual healing on a more collective level?
Well, if I could have my way and wave a magic wand about how we relate to men in the masculine, it would be that we relate to it with as much reverence and respect as we as women want for ourselves. But that is not happening. That is not happening. Men do not feel that they're needed anymore. This extreme feminist mentality that I don't need a man, is bullshit. Maybe that triggers you. I hope it does, because what if a man were to say that about the feminine in women?
It's a double standard. If I could wave a magic wand, I would make that double standard go away.
I think it's so incredibly valid and powerful. Culturally we're terrible at having middleground conversations where everybody has a safe space and everybody is valid and that we all want the pendulum skewed towards us without consideration for the other side. I think it's really interesting with men, too, because in terms of white privilege and a lot of the privilege that comes with just being male in the first place, that what you see on the outside is not what's happening on the inside of people.
That these superficial wide brushstrokes that we paint for people and populations and things like that really don't reflect the deep internal workings. Actually we're all so much more similar on that level.
Yeah. If there's a voice that I could have for men is that they don't want to hurt you. They do not want to hurt you. I think it's extremely damaging that we look at them as if that's all they want to do. A lot of women do. I know because I see I see the inner workings of both. I see them both. And I see that at their core, men are no intention of ever hurting you.
It's just their own conditioning and trauma that they need to heal from in order to show up in masculine power in a way that does not hurt the feminine. So they have just as much work to do as we do. It is not one sided.
You also work with couples. With couples, do you teach Tantra or is it much the same type of coaching or it just depends on what they come for?
Yes, the relationship coaching. I have several different routes to go, but I really only work with couples when they have worked with me separately. So often I'll have a woman that goes through my group program and she wants to bring her partner into the mix and figure out the relationship aspects. The relationship coaching is more for people who have struggled with intimacy, connection and communication. We use different tantric communication, connection, intimacy, building practices in order to repair their relationship and to help each other recognize core wounds in each other.
So there's practices like; my inner child. Helping each person and the couple understand that each of you has core wounds from how you got raised. And helping the other partner understand the triggers and the wounds that are really there and your partner and how to deal with these triggers when there's a conflict that comes up so often, relationship coaching is only really effective for people when they're willing to look at those core wounds, which is needed.
It's really good for people who do often find themselves fighting a lot and in a lot of conflict or they just don't talk or have any real conversations. That's where relationship coaching is really needed, much more so than sexuality coaching.
How can people get in touch with you if they want to work with you and find out what you have to offer?
My podcast is the Multi Orgasmic Moma. That's a great way to get a feel for what I teach and what I'm about. If you need more than what you've just heard here and you can head to the website www.tillystorm.com and there is a quiz you can take and the quiz you're invited to book a call where we can discuss all of my programs and offerings on that call as well. So that's how it goes.
I encourage all of you to check out Tilly's podcast and take her quiz. She has a very, very powerful presence and does incredibly important work in this world. Thank you so much for being here today.
Yeah. Thank you so much for having me.
There's lots more to discuss about recovering our sexuality & sensuality after childbirth! I'm looking forward to bringing more episodes of Embody Your Star to you.
See you next time.
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